NIGERIA'S 2015 ROAD TRIP:HOW MUCH SHALL IT GO WRONG BEFORE SANITY PREVAILS?...WILL OUR POLITICAL VEHICLE HAVE HICCUPS OR PANEL-BEATING WAHALA LIKE IN THESE PICS?

When Road Trips Go Wrong:Can any of these happen to us in 2015?

Traveling is fun, but it’s also risky. Leaving your comfort zone increases the likelihood that something might go awry, especially when it comes to driving in countries other than your own. In some cases, like the one above, horribly awry. But while such stories might be mortifying in the moment, they give us plenty to laugh about afterwards. Never forget that the root of comedy is tragedy e.g. me slipping on a banana peel is tragic, you slipping on a banana peel is hilarious. With that in mind, we’re proud to present: When Road Trips Go Wrong.



Since it’s still winter for now, we’ll start with some photos of drivers failing to navigate icy roads properly. This driver sure caught a break.



This one didn’t.



Kind of gives a new meaning to the phrase “scared straight.”



At the very least, that guy doing the balancing act above was able to get into his car. Not sure what the procedure is for when your car is completely encased in ice (we live in California.) Can any snowbound readers enlighten us?



Not that driving in the rain is fool-proof either, especially when combined with, you know, a giant log flying off the back of a truck and straight at your head.



But don’t be fooled into thinking that driving behind a produce truck is any safer; you might end up being attacked by potatoes.



When driving abroad, make sure you understand the terrain. Even the most heavy duty of vehicles can fall victim to an unfortunately located swamp.



But all Hummer drivers can take comfort in their ability to mercilessly (and literally) crush their parking competition.



Speaking of parking, always be sure to choose a spot that’s not under a giant volleyball.



Or on an airport runway.



Or directly under the path of a falling tree.



If you hire your own limo driver, make sure he understands how to drive in the city. We can still hear the San Franciscans laughing about this one.



Hah, we hear you say, I’m going to avoid all of this by taking the bus. Sorry to say it, but even buses get into tight spots.



Everyone makes mistakes, such as hitting the accelerator when you mean to reverse.



Or hitting reverse when you mean to go forward.



Trying to squeeze your car, no matter how small, onto a pedestrian walkway is never advisable.



Ultimately, traveling is a lot like life. Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down. The important thing is to keep moving forward.



But not into the pool or local Chinese restaurant.



 culled from boutique home dispatches

HERE IS ONE EXAMPLE.YOU LOST AN ELECTION,THEN YOU ASK THE WINNER TO BACK DOWN!

Jang asks Amaechi to back down as NGF’s leader

Jos: Factional Chairman of the Nigerian Governors Forum, NGF Governor Jonah Jang of Plateau State returned home Sunday admitting that he never bargained to lead the group but has accepted it as God’s handiwork.

Jang who spoke to journalists on arrival at the Yakubu Gowon Airport on arrival pleaded with Governor Rotimi Amaechi to back down and accept him as the new leader of the forum. 

Amaechi had been declared winner of the election but the Jang group revolted against his declaration citing Jang’s purported endorsement by 19 governors in a pre-election agreement.

He said he would do his best to get Amaechi to work with him as the new leader of the forum.

The brief interview went thus:

Did you actually bargain for what you got now?

Jang:  Well, I never bargained for it, but that is the way God Work. So this is God’s will.

What was your impression of the election sir?

Jang: As far as Iam concerned, I have been given an assignment and by the grace of God I will do my best to unite the forum and make sure the forum provides the right leadership for the people of Nigeria because we are governors that are governing our respective states. And so we are bound together to work with one another. The NGF election or selection as you call it, should not divide the governors. We have one purpose and were elected by the people to work for them. We have worked with Governor Amaechi the former Chairman of NGF before and I am appealing  to him  to calm down and also work with me so that together we will continue to give Nigerians the right leadership for electing us as their governors.

Are you ready to work with him if he agrees to support you?

Jang: I mean I am going to really try to get him to work with me; I have once worked with him before; he too should work with me so that we can be able to give this country the right leadership that she is yearning for.

Meanwhile, a body known as the Plateau Merger Group has faulted Jang’s declaration as the new chairman of the forum based on a pre-election endorsement. 

The group in communique at the end of a meeting on Saturday jointly signed by the Plateau ANPP Chairman, Hon. Nazifi Ahmed and State Secretary of the CPC, Pastor Dabit Joseph hailed the re-election of Amaechi by the governors.

“As democrats we wish to seize this opportunity to congratulate all Nigerian governors for demonstrating exemplary democratic practice for returning His Excellency, Rt Hon. Rotimi Amaechi as chairman of the Nigerian Governors Forum (NGF). We applaud their decision, and believe that our democracy will flow without any hic-ups.

“It is sad to note that at this level of our democracy, pre-election commitments (so called endorsement) before the said NGF election are being paraded as election results by the losers”, the communique stated.

It commended the leadership of the merging political parties for successfully conducting their congresses and dissolving into the  All Progressive Congress (APC and commended the electorate and political office holders for working for the survival of democracy in the past 15 years.

“We remind all public office holders on the need to appreciate the fact that the positions they currently occupy are held in trust on behalf of the greater majority. Thus the need to ensure that the dividends of democracy trickle down to the Nigerian people”, it added.

By Taye Obateru

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IGODOMIGODO!...WHEN ARE WE BIG-STOUTING, SUYAING AND PEPPER-SOUPING?...OR SIMPLY PUT,WHEN ARE WE OWAMBE-ING?

Celebrating Obahiagbon, master of bombast, at 53

AT the twilight of the sixth session of the National Assembly, Patrick Obahiagbon (who represented Oredo Federal Constituency on the platform of the Peoples Democratic Party, PDP) switched platform in a bid to ensure his political survival.

He moved over to the Action Congress of Nigeria, ACN, in Edo State.  It would appear, overall, a good move, but within the ACN enclave, he lost the bid for party nomination to a combination and conspiracy of factors.

The import of this “short-circuiting” was that Obahiagbon, the master of bombast, the sartorially elegant ambassador of the Bini culture (the royal Bini regalia), which was why he was always dressed in the attire, bowed out of the House of Representatives when his followers were just beginning to enjoy his interventions on the floor during debates.  That marked the terminus of the verbal razzmatazz of the profoundly eventful gladiator.  The House has since been missing Obahiagbon and his Obahiagbonese (his own peculiar coinages).

His defeat at the primaries of his party was not enough to stymie the flow of his usual bombasts in times of deep emotional outbursts.  When asked to react to the development and the rejoicing in the camp of his opponent, he said: “This has made me suffused with emotional narcolepsy that the homo-sapiens in the metro-political geographical enclave of Edo have opted for owambe-ing over legislative quo modo dicis.  Such a reckless display of narcissistic and flamboyant hedonism is capable of encumbering our nascent democracy with insidious, repercussive and cataclysmic exigencies.”

But while he was in the Lower Chamber, Obahiagbon defined a unique character for himself, using the instrumentality of his swanky outfits as well as esoteric grammar (his peculiar manner of speaking). This is the uniqueness of Obahiagbon, the self-styled “son of Igodomigodo”, a sobriquet he has adopted since 1999, when he was elected into the Edo State House of Assembly.

A lawyer and holder of two Master’s degrees once said: “I have deployed the nomenclature of Igodomigodo as a political sobriquet for ten years now, particularly as a vehicular nexus with my culturico-spiritual fons et origo and this emanated from an advertent primus mobilus to cosmopolitanise my genealogical matrix since it was not by accident that I originated from the land of Igodomigodo.”

According to him: “Igodomigodo was the original, first ever, and pristine name of the Binis.  From Igodomigodo, we were known as Ile-Ubini before the transmogrification into modern day Bini or Benin.  So, you can now see that when I togarise my identity with the Igodomigodo aura, I am invoking the visible and invisible gods of my progenitors and at the same time luxuriating in an ancestral aqua of pristine Risorgimento.”

Obahiagbon had become a phenomenon in the House of Representatives.  He could titillate to no end with his fecundity, coupled with the razzmatazz that accompanied his submissions.  Answering a question on his forceful contributions on the floor, he had said: “…You cannot succeed as a parliamentarian if you are not cosmopolitan. You must be prepared to immerse yourself in societal dialectics for you to be able to contribute efficaciously in a utilitarian modus.  So, if you are a parliamentarian and you don’t go through the ritual of even reading newspapers, you don’t bathe yourself in the aqua of the political cross currents, then you are going to be deuced, you are going to be paralytic in your contributions…”.

His mode of dressing (traditional Bini attires) was also very unique.  He was once asked why he was always clad in his traditional Benin dress with beads round his neck and wrists.  His response: “I have dressed like this from 1999 without any hiatus.  As a student of mysticism, I believe nothing happens in the life of a mystic by chance and I know it was not by accident that I was born a Bini man.  I entered into a covenant with myself when I was seeking political visibility that if God gave me the visibility, I was going to propagate the Bini heritage and culture.  When it pleased God to give that to me in 1999, I had to keep faith with that covenant and I have dressed in full panoply of the royal Bini regalia.”

Obahiagbon never ran short of big dictions or coinages that defined his peculiar style.   Answering question on the need for his colleagues to up the ante of contributions on the floor, he had advised: “They must avoid regular big stouting, suyaing, and pepper-souping. Those are not the real issues.  They must be prepared to immerse themselves in societal dialectics.  They must put their nose to the grind stone. Chief Obafemi Awolowo, the Ikene philosopher, once said ‘the difference between my other colleagues and I, is that when my other colleagues are cavorting in the dark alleys, I am in my library working myself nineteen to the dozen’. You cannot succeed in life if you are not disciplined.  You must be puritanical in your predisposition; you must engage in an exercise of self-purification and mortification; you must engage in an exercise of self-abnegation; you must engage in an exercise of spiritual emulation.  You must discipline the flesh.  You must conquer the flesh.  You must allow the spiritual aspect of you preponderate the material aspect, especially when you have been chosen to represent the people, so that at the end of the day, you can really say: Vendi, vidi, vicki (I came; I saw; I conquered).”

On the achievement of the House of Representatives, Obahiagbon had once said:  “…The House of Representatives has not fallen short of its vivacious commitment in acting as the moral policeman over agencies of government. We have taken our oversight functions very responsively and responsibly. The emotional, visceral commitments, the messianic zeal and the quixotic temper with which we have taken our oversight responsibilities had, to a large extent, assisted in cleansing the Augean Stable while a number of structural deficiencies have, through this parliamentary metamorphosis, been brought under focus…”.

Yes, there are so many other instances when this self-acclaimed verbal contortionist mesmerized his audience, which space cannot permit me to recall; even as the current Chief of Staff to the Governor of Edo State, Obahiagbon has, within the scope of his mandate, been speaking in his trademark “language” and dazzling all and sundry as usual, including yours sincerely.  Is there, therefore, any other way that is better than this tribute to celebrate Obahiagbon, one of those who were born in 1960, on his birthday (April 12), the day (April 12) I married my heart-throb, Pat, in 1997?  Happy birthday, my brother, and many happy returns!

Mr.  SUFUYAN OJEIFO, a journalist, wrote from Abuja.

VANGUARD

Patrick Obahiagbon to #OgaAtTheTop: We Stand On Spaghetti Legs Under You

Oga At The Top this time being the number one man, Goodluck Jonathan…

For some time now since he became the Chief of Staff to Adams Oshiomhole, governor of Edo State, Patrick Obahiagbon has not said much about the polity. But he broke his silence recently. Reacting to moves by President Jonathan to remain in office after 2015, Obahiagbon said:
“I thought, during the last presidential election and still do think, that the Presidency of Nigeria is too serious a subject to be reduced to ‘parapoistic’ shenanigans.
"To answer the question if the Jonathan administration has met the goodwill with which it rode to power must lead to other epiphenomenal questions such as, what has improved today in the material conditions of the ragtag and bobtail since the president’s emergence and how has he deployed his powers in aid of the utilitarian matrix?
“It does appear to me that Nigeria is still a sleeping giant standing on spaghetti legs even today.”
Who agrees with Hon. Obahiagbon?

MOSVIN